How emotional is the boy! Each day he can watch the same video... read the same book and cry the same way? Has he gone mad? He cannot decide anymore. He does not know if he hasn't matured or what? He does not enjoy movies nor places nor delicacies. They are all the same to him. At times he only feels oppressed by all the talk that surrounds him and how it is expected of him to talk in the same vein! He enjoys being absolutely free, not worrying about money -- emptying his purse, being left alone -- absolutely alone, he does not feel bored or tired. And there is only one thing that keeps him from making a bold decision and do what he has felt like being from ever since... it is the sense that he is not worthy of that, he is not convinced that he has the strength to make the move. He does not have greediness, It is attachment and desire for feminine company that causes everything else to spring up for him. When he first came across pornography he was deeply disgusted with himself but could not tear himself away from it. The mind was not developed enough to resist temptation by that time, it could not discriminate and hold its ground. And the social inhibition never let him take help from anyone. Although he tried, his efforts proved futile, he was no longer in control of his emotions. He spent nights awake and crying. It gives me a shudder even to remember those nights! He was desperate to change. The thing he devised was to start treating every women with great respect and faith. But porn never left him. He never tried with all his heart. He ensured that he would never think bad thoughts about any women, not even as much as try to touch them. They were sacred to him. But the time that was invested in having these traits robbed him of other normal experiences. He never learned to talk casual, to take things in perspective. He could neither express himself nor accept others.

Is he waiting for something to happen? No, he does not want to relish in past memories nor plan about the future -- now is the only life. What can he learn from outside till he hasn't started to respect and trust the Guru within? Nothing needs to be given up like he feels all the time -- if one clings to the One all that has to be relinquished will fall by itself. Anandmayi Ma says, “as if by compulsion the mind runs towards the gratification of desires that bring suffering... and again... No effort ever goes to waste -- then why all the practice, the concentration comes to no effect? That is because when there is a hole in a pitcher full of water, no matter how small it is all the water leaks away!” And she tells, “The fact that you are aware of your incapacity to concentrate on God's name is also His grace; even though not interested take the name as medicine -- This also will have good result.” Like Raman Maharshi's mantra "naan yaar" (Who am I?) She used to preach "ja hoye jay"(Everything is God's will).

#spiritual

One day Kartik and I were returning from office. I was waiting outside a internet-cafe where he was getting some printouts. A little girl barely up to my knees came near with spread hands. Yes, both hands. I got two chocolates, sat down there and tried talking to her. But she did not smile nor did she show any other emotion, I don't even know if she was interested in the chocolate. I started eating one chocolate and gave one to her. She made no attempt to eat it. She was doing that just out of habit. She walked away clumsily, half of the chocolate breaking and falling. We noticed that she gave it to her elder sister. Now we could see emotions on her face. And when her elder sister started eating it she too wanted to eat it and was fighting for it.

#gratitude

I was coming back from office. On a turning I heard someone call me... bhaiya. I paused and noticed a woman approach me. Her husband was also standing there with their baby on his shoulders. She said she needed some money to take her baby to hospital. I was nervous. I did not know how to behave. I gave her hundred rupees. She said she would need some more. I gave her. She hesitantly said she would need some more. I was walking back anyways, I gave her all I had in my wallet. I was nervous. I did not look into her eyes except when I had turned. I didn't know how to behave. I did not ask anything. I showed no real emotions on my face although I was continuously trying to understand the situation. In fact they might have found me cold because although I looked calm and listened I did not utter a single word nor smiled. I was sorry that I did not smile and did not spend some 'time'.

#gratitude

I had a nice dream today. I am writing about it. Unlike normally I remember my dreams and am mostly conscious that I am dreaming. I can choose to wake myself up from that dream. I hear the sounds around me even in my sleep and am aware that certain sounds are not the creation of my dream. Most of us would not have noticed that dreams that occur in a peaceful place with no sounds around us! Characters in such dreams do not speak. My dreams are mostly mute. Characters happen to communicate through thoughts but that is occasional, often they are not in sync. Today I saw divine Mother Sarda in my dream. And the first thought was that I want to serve her in some way, to please her in some way, and I sat near her feet. It was this thought that made me peaceful. I did not desire anything. I was happy to wait there. A sense of completeness and being at peace, accepting all.. was there. And I was aware that it is a dream. The emotions were very strong, I had to wake up.  Now I was thinking how I may continue to stay in that peaceful state? Answers were coming to me.

First visual was about serving my parents. Next I saw some friends. I thought about an orphanage we had visited sometime back. I tried going back to sleep and fall into that state again. I could not. It was about four o’clock and my sleep was over. I still tried - it was greed in my mind. As I tried falling asleep some random thought would start a new dream but I would wake up myself every ten minutes and try to fall asleep thinking about the joyful dream. I did not have success and finally I woke up at five o’clock.

There is something related to this topic that I may write here. I have the demerit of getting jealous. I still find difficulty in controlling this emotion. I had devised a remedy for it. When I felt jealous of a person I would deliberately force myself to do a good act to the person. It did not change things completely but it did prevent me from brooding over that person. Another observation I made is that i would get jealous of someone when I resent some action of theirs. Presently I have a different perspective. I understand that the permanent solution for me is to accept people around me as they are. All paths lead to the the same goal. Everyone wants to be happy and to give happiness to others. It is foolish to judge people. We cannot help anyone. We may only serve and in doing so we are helping only ourselves. We all have demerits but teachers say we are all essentially divine. Sometimes due to ignorance and limited knowledge we overlook this beautiful understanding. We can always choose to help each other progress on our individual journey.

Thank you for reading this, if you have a comment you are welcome to write it. Your views are most welcome.

#dreams #emotion #emotions #friends #ignorance #knowledge #mother #paths #peace #perspective #sarda #spiritual #teachers